It hasn't been the best week. In fact it has been a really exhausting year, come to think of it. For me. The mommy. I try to keep things light, share in all the triumphs and great things that have gone on in life. I like the fact that I'm a pretty optomistic person and relatively stable. But there are times when things build up and come to a head...such as this morning. For most moms...the day your child comes out of your womb and into your arms, the world stops as you know it and everything begins to revolve around your baby and their needs. When you sleep, eat, enjoy times out, what you spend money on, the activities you do etc. etc. all depend on what the child can handle or would enjoy doing. It is a shock to the system at first (as a new mom), but it is also new and exciting. Then the honeymoon period ends...you've added another child or two, and five years later you are still doing EVERYTHING you possibly can to ensure that your children are happy, loved, healthy and learning. It was one of those days today when I'm trying to avoid the fighting of my two...thinking going to the pool would be a great thing to do with them. As I'm rushing around getting towels and bathing suits in the bag, Riley decides to sit at the bottom of the stairs and wail like a maniac because he can't get his pj shirt off. "Just wait, honey! I'm packing our bags!" "NO! I DON'T WANT TO WAIT! COME TAKE MY SHIRT OFF!" Scream some more. Finally I convince him to come where I am instead of screaming his head off. I take his shirt off and then tell him he needs to spend some time in his room and think of what he could have done that would have been a better way to ask. More screaming and wailing and gnashing of teeth. When I went in again to see him, I lost it. I cried. I guess it was the straw that broke the camels back. I have never cried in front of him. What was going through my head was...HOW UNGRATEFUL CAN YOU BE? I do everything in my life for you and your happiness...and yet you will scream at me to do more. I just can't do it. I will never be enough to make you happy. I have sacrificed everything and still you are predominantly mad and ungrateful. Somehow I tried to explain in his words, that mommy is trying to do something good for him, yet he is treating mommy badly...blah blah. Everything is a lecture, a lesson. Nag nag. On and on. I'm very tired. And he's only 4. What am I going to do when he is 15 and the issues are much huger. I don't know. I was overwhelmed by it all this morning and realized how unequipped I am for this assignment. My childhood friend Heidi had the heart to send me an online devotional she saw that might speak to me today about mommy guilt. Thanks! It meant a lot to see that in my inbox when I'm feeling so low. I know I need to give more to God and rely less on me...because I am so insufficient and often feel so alone with a huge burden.
Thank you for letting me use this blog as therapy. Somehow it helps to write it down and get it all out.
2 comments:
And then they learn empathy. Ever wonder when we, as children, figured out that that the world actually didn't revolve around us. And even more importantly, that our mommies and daddies were here to make us self sufficient, caring individuals. I know that you are raising two amazing boys that will grow up to be amazing men because they have great role models in both you and Greg. Role models who care for them and do everything to make sure that they're lives are awesome. The flip side to that is that they should see you when they've pushed too much, not a crazy, yelling, screaming mommy, but a mommy that is tender and can be hurt. Then they go, "hey, I see that maybe that was a bit too much, and I love my mommy so I won't do that again". Unfortunately this is not a lesson learned in one incident, this takes a while, a looooooong while. You are doing and awesome job and I hope to be able do half the job that you do with your two. Other than that I just wish you a very quiet, petit baby girl whenever the time is right. Ha!
We all have those days...parenting is the hardest job EVER. And the most rewarding. But the hard days can be a bit much sometimes.
I read that same online devotional - it was a good one :)
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